


Looking Back

by technologyisadeadbird



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Character Study, Cuddling & Snuggling, M/M, Secret Crush, Self-Reflection, bisexual Shinji Ikari, i love you asuka but this is shinji's perspective, kaworu is a sweetheart, not completely canon compliant but mostly, shinji is embarrassed and sad as always, sort of unrequited crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:27:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25330870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/technologyisadeadbird/pseuds/technologyisadeadbird
Summary: Shinji reflects on his relationships with the important people in his life. Some are good, some are bad, and some are just confusing.
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Comments: 8
Kudos: 91





	Looking Back

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. This is technically my first Eva fic, or at least the first one I'm posting. My name is Maya! I wrote this back when quarantine was first starting out and I had a lot of free time. I'm currently working on a larger Eva fic that's an AU based on an original of mine. It focuses on Shinji, Asuka, Rei, and Kaworu. I have no idea when it will come out since I'm not even done with the first chapter and I also will be returning to school in a little over a month. I'll just go at my own pace, I suppose. So I figured it might be good to post something before I start publishing the longer fanfiction. I didn't really edit this much, but I think it's nice the way it is. I feel like Evangelion is the only series I can really write fanfiction about because I've spent so much time analyzing the characters. Anyway, I love these awesome Eva pilots and want them to be happy. Unfortunately in general most of my writing is not super positive :( Oh well, hope you enjoy!

Shinji wishes he could clearly remember the day he was abandoned by his father, but he can’t. He knows the memory is there in his mind, and he knows that everything hurt, but the fragile brain within his small head wasn’t able to fully process the situation, so it’s all kind of blurry. The years following that day weren’t exactly the worst of his life. In fact, now it was much worse. Shinji longs for the days where he believed his father had some good reason for leaving him. Now that he’s been called back, now that he’s seen his father’s cold and unloving stare once more, he wants to go back to being ignorant. He wants to go back to wondering. Shinji still has the ability to wonder, but it’s not the good kind of wondering that makes you excited or have something to look forward to. It’s more of a dread than anything similar to childlike wonder, constantly looking over your shoulder and never knowing how anyone around you will act on any given day.

Take Misato for example. She was an unfortunate case of taking too much responsibility too young. Even though Shinji had initially thought she could become some sort of mother figure to him, he knew all along that it could never be. Misato was too young, too immature, too drunk half the time to ever care about his well-being. It was similar to how things were when he lived with his teacher, but messier. Both literally and metaphorically. There was absolutely no way Shinji could ever open up and tell Misato about everything banging around inside his brain, and it was the same for her as well. Shinji knew how much she’d been hurt before, but he didn’t dare ask and she’d never tell. She always pretended to be fine. And maybe she was fine, Shinji didn’t know. He wasn’t sure how alcohol worked, he had yet to really try. One sip when Misato offered it one night was all he needed to turn him off of alcohol forever. How she could drink that stuff 24/7 was beyond Shinji’s comprehension.

Toji and Kensuke would probably get drunk with Misato. He never saw her in the same light as they did. They idolized her, but they didn’t know how angry she’d sometimes get after a long day of work and alcohol. They didn’t know how invasive she was into Shinji’s personal space without actually caring at all.

Shinji’s relationship with Toji and Kensuke was probably the least complicated one he had, which was both a good and bad thing. Shinji had been overly relieved when Toji finally apologized for beating him up at the beginning of the school year. He was almost positive Toji was the type to constantly pester Shinji in front of the entire class and make fun of him for the myriad of insecurities he already mulled over every night before falling asleep. But once Shinji actually got to know Toji, he realized he was a lot more than what he seemed on the surface. Toji was loud, sometimes much too loud for Shinji, and he made sure everyone knew when he was entering a room.

Kensuke, on the other hand, was a bit more laid-back and witty. He liked to tease Toji about his crush on Hikari, and loved to ramble on about film during their lunch breaks together. Shinji had hated being filmed at first, but upon realizing that Kensuke filmed literally everyone, he’d given in. Besides, it wasn’t like Kensuke ever showed them to anybody else. Kensuke always asked Shinji about becoming an Eva pilot. Shinji didn’t understand why he wanted to be one so badly. He didn’t understand what it was actually like at NERV, how could he? Shinji liked Toji and Kensuke, he really did, because they kept him company at school. At least he wasn’t a complete loser who sat alone at lunch or had nobody to goof off with in class. But….Toji and Kensuke weren’t the type to talk about anything deeper, so just like Misato, Shinji couldn’t be his true, fucked-up self.

Rei Ayanami was a girl that had grabbed Shinji’s interest from the moment he met her, and not in the usual teenage boy way. Being the only other Eva pilot at the time, Shinji wanted to connect with her, or at least become friends somewhat. But she was so distant, so emotionless, so deliberately lonely. It would almost make Shinji sad if he thought it wasn’t of her own choosing. Rei wasn’t like him, she didn’t long for human contact, or at least that’s what Shinji assumed. Rei took things extremely literally, and she almost never got sad or angry. Even when Shinji finally saw Rei cry, she seemed just as surprised as he was. Her face didn’t change colors, she didn’t breathe abnormally or choke on her own spit like Shinji did. She didn’t even try to wipe it away much. She only watched the teardrops fall into her palms and asked _“Why?”_

It was after that day that Shinji realized just how much Rei reminded him of his mother, or at least the small memories he had of her before her death, along with what he’d seen in photographs and old home videos. They had the same haircut and a similar way of carrying themselves. But where Shinji’s mother would’ve smiled and thanked him for being concerned, would’ve comforted him when he was hurt, Rei gave him that same blank stare that was somehow one of simultaneous judgement and confusion. Shinji often thought it might just be a lost cause to keep trying with her.

And then...there was Asuka. If Rei was someone Shinji could hardly understand, Asuka was a nearly indecipherable code. She was the polar opposite of Rei - loud, demanding, and determined to let everyone know she was superior. It wasn’t even in a somewhat endearing way like Toji, it was cold and ruthless. Well, Shinji supposed that the others in their class didn’t see it that way, but that’s because they had no idea how she was at home. For the life of him, Shinji would never know what he did to make Asuka hate him so much. She was far from just a girl who liked to tease boys. She’d pick and prod and stab at Shinji’s shell until he cracked. Until he finally got so fed up with her that he’d start throwing things, and she’d follow. They’d scream at each other until both of their throats were scratched dry, or until Misato came in and broke it up. And if Misato wasn’t home, there was no telling what might happen.

Shinji knew that deep down Asuka was probably just the same as he was. He’d heard about what happened to her mother when he’d “accidentally” eavesdropped on a conversation between Misato and Ritusko one night after sync tests. It wasn’t entirely un-similar to how Shinji had been treated by his father. So through it all, Shinji could not bring himself to truly hate Asuka. There were moments...moments like that night she’d walked into his room and slept beside him in his bed, moments like when she’d given him his first kiss and promptly rushed to wash out her mouth, moments like when he’d hear her sobbing quietly in her room, when she probably thought he was sleeping. Shinji couldn’t deny that he felt bad for her, and he was attracted to her - at least, in a sexual way, which made him feel really guilty. It shouldn’t have made him feel bad, since Asuka was very pretty, and everyone knew it, but...getting off to the thought of a girl who’d stop at nothing to tear you down until you’re left with nothing but a body that aches from all the weight she’s placed upon you seemed kind of wrong.

Shinji would probably never get the answer as to why Asuka felt like taking all her anger out on him. Even if he asked, she’d probably just say that he absolutely deserved it, or that he was worthless, or some other insult to deflect the truth. Sometimes Shinji thought maybe he did deserve it, maybe she was a demon sent to earth as his punishment for acting like a wimp all the time. For never standing up for himself. And for being such a coward.

If there was anyone in this world that Shinji could choose to live forever, it’d be Kaworu Nagisa. Shinji hadn’t known him long, it’d only been a few months at best, but it definitely felt like much longer. Kaworu was gentle, beautiful, the kindest boy you’d ever meet. He made Shinji’s stomach flutter wildly every time he smiled. Which was probably not normal, but it felt so good and Shinji could honest to god not hold himself back from blushing and clamming up whenever Kaworu came around.

The day Shinji first met Kaworu had not been a pleasant one at first. Shinji couldn’t really remember what he’d been upset about, because Kaworu so easily got him to forget. Sitting on the beach, watching the waves, hearing a soft hum of a classical song to the left of him. Turning his head and seeing the most gorgeous person he’d probably ever laid eyes on sitting right there. If Asuka was his punishment, then Kaworu was his reward for putting up with her. When Shinji first heard that beautiful voice speak to him, when he first turned his head and looked Shinji directly in the eyes, Shinji genuinely thought he must’ve been ill. He felt so hot, so quickly, and Kaworu’s gaze was so soft yet piercing. But it felt good. It always felt good when he was with Kaworu. They quickly became friends. Shinji discovered that everything about Kaworu fascinated him. His intimate love for music, his odd manner of speaking, the way he always wore that gentle smile, as if he were delighted just to simply be alive. _As if he were delighted just to be with Shinji_.

It seemed as if Kaworu only ever spent time with Shinji. If he wasn’t with Shinji, he was alone. Which wasn’t really surprising. Asuka didn’t like him, and Rei was Rei, so Kaworu spent his afternoons after sync testing playing music with Shinji, walking with Shinji, or listening to Shinji talk about the things he liked. Even at school, Shinji found himself more often than not spending his lunch breaks with Kaworu, listening to music together and trying not to get caught staring at Kaworu’s profile as he closed his eyes and lifted his head to the sky. Toji and Kensuke never joined them, Toji didn’t really like Kaworu that much, and Kensuke just didn’t know him at all. Shinji didn’t mind, he preferred Kaworu’s calm silence and magical aura over Toji and Kensuke’s loud arguments.

Everything about Kaworu astounded Shinji, but now...now Shinji was feeling very strange about their relationship. Kaworu had always been quite touchy-feely, always making sure to grab Shinji’s hand when he was leading him somewhere, or rubbing Shinji on the shoulder when he played a sequence on piano well. These touches always made Shinji flustered, and Kaworu would laugh...but not in a mocking or teasing way like Kensuke might. In a knowing way...which more often than not made Shinji more flustered. He didn’t know what he’d do if Kaworu found out how Shinji really felt about him. Kaworu probably wouldn’t be pleased, he’d shut Shinji away just like everybody else if he ever figured it out.

Lately, Kaworu and Shinji had made cuddling together in Kaworu’s bedroom at NERV one of their favorite pastimes. It had started one day when Shinji complained of a headache. Kaworu had grabbed his hand like always and brought him to his room, where they laid down on the bed. And Kaworu just...held Shinji. And Shinji held him back. Now it was all they did when they went to Kaworu's room. Just laying down, in a perfect silence, tangled up with Kaworu, feeling his chest rise and fall and smelling his intoxicating scent. Shinji loved it so much more than he’d like to admit.

As much as he wanted to believe that Kaworu would accept how Shinji actually felt about him, he knew it couldn’t be true. A boy liking another boy wasn’t something to be out in the open. And besides, Shinji was content to just be touched by Kaworu, to admire him quietly in the moonlight when they watched the stars, to listen to him hum gently as they played piano together. Even though...Shinji sometimes found his mind wandering to how Kaworu’s naked body looked during the few times they’d bathed together. Even though Shinji’s heart sometimes felt as if it was going to explode from how badly he wanted to kiss Kaworu. Even though he was the only thing keeping Shinji from going off the deep end. Kaworu didn’t need to be nice to Shinji, and that would always keep him questioning whether Kaworu might end up just leaving him whenever he felt like it. It wouldn’t be a surprise, of course. But Shinji hoped, hoped and prayed with all of his heart, that he’d be able to stay with Kaworu forever. Shinji felt that if he couldn’t enjoy the pleasure of being with Kaworu, he’d rather just die.


End file.
